I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
