she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
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