i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
