We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
