do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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