I can feel you judging me through the phone.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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