Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
