College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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