why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
