He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
