My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
