god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
