i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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