so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
even my farts smell like vagina
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize