My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Randomize
