There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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