My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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