his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
