so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Randomize