Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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