I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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