the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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