a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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