I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
