Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
