i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm getting married
To pizza
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Hello my rib-scented angel!
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
