I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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