I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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