Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Randomize
