I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Couch. On fire.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
