I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
