walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
