She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
