If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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