We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Randomize
