so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
