I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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