You smell like a Billy Joel song
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
