I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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