I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
