yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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