Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
