dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
