just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
