It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
