I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I'm too high and old for this...
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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