I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize