yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
