we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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