So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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