I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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