I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
i now understand why vodka
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
