I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
