he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
