Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
