When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
