I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
