I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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